Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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