: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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