I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
