Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Randomize
