I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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