the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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