How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
