I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
