if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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