Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just blew my weed a kiss
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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