I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
