Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
