i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
