its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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