My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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