I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
