Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
