The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
