good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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