is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
