I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Oh god it's open bar.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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