my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
