Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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