I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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