I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
