Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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