Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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