Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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