he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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