I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
