Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
