Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
