It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
