There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
