true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
