I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
