when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
