i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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