I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
