____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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