FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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