you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
