watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize