last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
