No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
