Need sex. Gaining weight.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
It was like giving head to a cactus.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
