Plan B is the new Plan A
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
