Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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