Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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