i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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