I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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