Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
