i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
